1g protein
Almond Milk
The main character. Sunglasses indoors.
- Best for
- Cereal, smoothies, looking cool
- Froth
- Red flags
- Thirsty. Literally — drinks a lot of water.
- • Lowest calorie of the crew.
- • Nutty, thin, never dramatic.
The Milks
8 cartons. 8 personalities. Pick your fighter.
- FROTH RATINGS
- RED FLAGS
- NO COWS
- PICK YOUR FIGHTER
- FROTH RATINGS
- RED FLAGS
- NO COWS
- PICK YOUR FIGHTER
- FROTH RATINGS
- RED FLAGS
- NO COWS
- PICK YOUR FIGHTER
- FROTH RATINGS
- RED FLAGS
- NO COWS
- PICK YOUR FIGHTER
- FROTH RATINGS
- RED FLAGS
- NO COWS
- PICK YOUR FIGHTER
- FROTH RATINGS
- RED FLAGS
- NO COWS
- PICK YOUR FIGHTER
- FROTH RATINGS
- RED FLAGS
- NO COWS
- PICK YOUR FIGHTER
- FROTH RATINGS
- RED FLAGS
- NO COWS
- PICK YOUR FIGHTER
3g protein
Oat Milk
The people-pleaser. Foams great, gatekeeps nothing.
- Best for
- Lattes, baristas, being liked
- Froth
- Red flags
- Carb-heavy. Will start a coffee podcast.
- • Best foam in the game.
- • Creamy enough to fool a dairy person.
7g protein
Soy Milk
The OG. Been doing this since 1997.
- Best for
- Protein, baking, respect
- Froth
- Red flags
- Your uncle has opinions about it. He's wrong.
- • Closest protein match to cow milk.
- • Survived every milk trend.
1g protein
Cashew Milk
Luxury silk. Expensive taste, no notes.
- Best for
- Sauces, ice cream, soft life
- Froth
- Red flags
- Costs like a small vacation.
- • Silkiest texture, no chalk.
- • Blends into anything.
0g protein
Coconut Milk
On vacation. Permanently.
- Best for
- Curry, chai, tropical delusion
- Froth
- Red flags
- Makes everything taste like a beach. Everything.
- • Rich and fatty in the good way.
- • Not shy about its flavor.
0g protein
Rice Milk
Sweet, gentle, allergic to nothing.
- Best for
- Sensitive stomachs, kids, peace
- Froth
- Red flags
- Watery. Sugar goes brrr.
- • Most allergy-friendly option.
- • Naturally sweet, no help needed.
8g protein
Pea Milk
Gym bro energy in a carton.
- Best for
- Protein shakes, gains, smugness
- Froth
- Red flags
- Will tell you the macros unprompted.
- • Highest protein on the shelf.
- • Tastes nothing like peas. Promise.
1g protein
Macadamia Milk
Quiet luxury. Doesn't post.
- Best for
- Flat whites, treating yourself
- Froth
- Red flags
- Hard to find. Harder to afford.
- • Buttery and rich.
- • Foams like it went to barista school.
Head to head.
Rated by emoji, because ratings are made up anyway.
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